A brief review of the fundamental rules that woman must fully understand and accept in order to stop making foolish choices and to get smarter with men .
| Rule Number one = There are no perfect men The perfect man is a romantic fiction . He doesn’t exist. But there is wondrous supply of really solid men out there. The desire to be swept away by a Prince probably derives from childhood hunger for Daddy . |
| Rule Number Two = Exciting men can make woman miserable. Women who confuse longing with love will pay a terrible price , because some men are afraid of genuine intimacy . |
| Rule Number Three = Reforming a man is usually a futile . Woman have more rewarding things to do with their lives than make their lovers a lifetime “ project ” . |
| Rule Number Four = Growing up means giving up Daddy. Men want an adult lover , a friend and partner . Not a surrogate daughter .Childlike or manipulative women drive most men away . |
| Rule Number Five = Anger scares men off . |
| Rule Number Six = No man can give a woman self-esteem . Men don’t want to counted on to rescue women or be their salvation . When they expect their mates to validate their self-worth as human beings, women set themselves up for the anger , disappointment and bitterness . |
| Rules Number Seven = Many good men go unnoticed . |
| Rule Number Eight = Fewer expectations lead to greater aliveness .
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| Rule Number Nine = Fully realized women are strong and tender . Strength mingled with tenderness is a magic combination. The smart woman feels good about her womanliness . She trusts her strength and power enough to allow her tenderness to emerge . |
| Rule Number Ten =The game of courtship is really delightful . |
| Rules Number Eleven = “ Finding ” takes initiative . |
| Rules Number Twelve = Men like women who like men . If you allow yourself to let men know you like them , they will sense it. This warmth and acceptance is the best catalyst for creating chemistry . |
| Rule Number Thirteen = Women who really listen are really irresistible . |
| Rule Number Fourteen = Romantic Keeps relationships alive . In a relationship , we are most alive when we don’t take our mate for granted . A little uncertainty keeps men stimulated and interested . |
| Rule Number Fifteen = Men do want to commit . It is a myth that men don’t commit to relationships ; they only appear that way . A smart woman is aware that the shock of un ultimatum may be what is needed to make a man aware . |
| Rule Number Sixteen = Women are responsible for their own experience . The smart woman is aware that she can create her own destiny and thus works hard at what she wants and needs. |
Making smart choices ---avoiding the wrong men and finding the right ones ---- requires a woman to have the courage to challenge within herself the beliefs and expectations that while understandable, may have served to narrow her vision and opportunities.
Marrying Up And Marrying Down
Traditionally , women are taught that status might be gained through affiliation with an accomplished man and this phenomenon plays a major role in the perceived shortage of men . Today smart woman are developing their won potential and achieving power and status in their own right . Nevertheless , many single woman regardless of their level of achievement , continue to feel internal and external pressures to “ marry up ” ----- to find someone who is even more powerful , more successful . Men still are seen as catapult to enhanced status as well as financial security .
In taking with women and asking them to define their ideal mate , we find that they invariably . describe a man they consider superior to them in at least one or two areas . Most women want a man whose earning power is greater than theirs because they still count on the husband to be the major income producer . This is true even if the woman is an executive with a a good job and a substantial income herself .
Many women family believe that woman “ marry down ” .
One old saw goes . “ Women marry power , men marry beauty .” Sometimes this is said to indicate that men go for looks or are attracted to women whose accomplishments are less and therefore nonthreatening to male ego . We believe this is a serious misconception .
When we asked our male clients to describe their ideal mate, they listed a wide range of attributes . A sense of humor, warmth , intelligence , physical attractiveness ,trust , honesty , and emotional stability were all ranked high . Certainly women also value are responsive to the same qualities in men . But for some women , they don’t seem enough .
I speaking with men , we didn’t find one man who thought he had “ married down ” .Most of these ,man had higher levels of education and did make more money than their wives as peers and equals.
Some man unarguably , are threatened by accomplishment in a woman . But in general , they are not . A man who is successful and accomplished in his own right doesn’t need his mate’s success to enhance his ego or her income to feel secure . What attracts men are qualities that are independent of career success ,whereas that same success is enormously important to many women in their selection of a man .
Many successful women today are frustrated because the competition for the few men at top is intense . We’re often asked by smart women, “ What are men looking for ? It seems they just women who don’t threatened them .” We don’t believe this is true. Men do, however , have a different order of priorities .
Men do not believe they are as undeveloped, boring, and frozen as some women think . Even if this were true to approach them with that belief system is to kill the opportunity for anything positive or fresh to happen . Most men are satisfied with the way they are .
Why Married Men Look Better
Many time we hear comment that the “ good ones” are all taken . Or that married men somehow always seem more attractive than single men . There is a simple explanation for this. Married or “ attached ” men are not that different from single men --- they just behave differently . When a man feels secure in a relationship , he is able to act in a much looser , freer fashion with other women ;conversely , men and women who are single tend to behave in tighter and more self-conscious ways with each other. Single men and women complain about each other , and yet when they seem much more interesting and desirable . “The good ones ” are not all married; it’s just that the security and confidence that marriage provides allow them to act in a more natural and relax way than their single counterparts. Let those nervous , shy single men find a woman to connect with and they blossom into “ good ” married men, too .
A man may hold back in certain ways until trust develops , even though he really does want an intimate partner . Most men today experience a great deal of stress and pressure . They need someone to talk to , someone with whom they feel comfortable unburdening themselves . But when men are under pressure, much of their talk can be tedious and repetitious even though they themselves are afraid of being seen as whiny and complaining. So, when men find women are found to be irresistible . Men want to be with women whom they can express themselves openly and feel no danger of being judged harshly .
Men need to be liked ,loved, and respected in spite of their vulnerabilities .Those men whose sense a real acceptance and understanding of them and liking that follows along return that care and respect to the women who give it .
There are a great many men and of course women, too , who are very slow in revealing themselves . They are usually people who have experienced rejection in some form in the past and having been once burned are now twice shy .
The important thing for women to remember is that expectation is the enemy of intimacy . The more a man feels pressured to live up to a woman’s expectations , the less likely he is to relax and open up. Men, like women , want to be accepted for who they are, rather than be expected to become what someone else wants or needs them to be .
Most single men are actually looking for a woman to get involved with and marry . And they do . When men fall in love, they fall hard and quickly , and often for the first women for whom they feel a great deal of trust . Men are no different from women ----- they need to feel wanted and desired .
The problem for women is not only to find a man but to find one they perceive as “ Special ” .The difficulty today is not only that there are too few men but that there is a shortage at the top . By “top’’ we mean the relatively small percentage of men who are both materially successful and have attractive personalities, and are therefore universally desirable .
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